Tell Me, Appa

Just when everything seemed normal and manageable Appa had a major setback. He could not get up one morning, I wasn’t worried as it had been like that many mornings. PD brings about stiffness and sleeping in one position through the night makes Appa take some time to thaw in his joints. We wheeled in the chair and started the day. Very soon he vomited and nearly choked on his breakfast. He got drowsy and very weak and could not swallow solids and through the day his stomach bulged. He had sluggish bowels. PD atrophies muscle power through the body, it has caught his bowels now.

Human body is a string of tubes and wires that needs to be kept in circuit. I understand this now even more after looking at Appa’s condition. He is fed fluids orally and very often he has to be kept awake so that he can swallow. IV fluids are given for energy and my husband’s brother who is a doctor is attending him through the day. After a week we are happy that Appa’s alertness has improved though this body is disoriented about day and night. He is alert and awake in the night and very drowsy through the day. He has stopped intake of solids and we watch if his urine output and bowel movement are close to normal. These are the three functions that we are concerned about – his urine output is through a catheter, motion is induced most of the days and we are glad if he passes wind. His pulse, heart and BP are normal. He cannot move his limbs, his feet cannot carry his weight, he has to be carried like a child when moved from his bed to the wheel chair.

It is strange how human body is reduced to these essentials and is fixed the way plumbing in a building is fixed. Through all this I have always wondered what goes on in Appa’s mind.  For three years now since PD advanced Appa has been withdrawn, wrapped himself away in a cocoon. He had remained alert, his memory had remained good but was disinclined to emotionally and socially relate with the family. Nothing elated or depressed him, or at least he did not express his feelings other than irritation when disturbed or asked probing questions.

This withdrawal has its own effect on us. In a way we forget his sense of presence in many things. We stop wondering what he feels about Amma’s illness, about the changes in the household Amma’s immobility has brought about. Amma had an attendant who was rude to her, we had observed this and we spoke to the attendant and warned her. Helplessly Appa had been observing what Amma had to go through and was deeply pained. When we spoke to him about this we realized how distraught he was about the way the attendant treated Amma. We sacked the attendant and found a replacement

Now, inside a body that is failing slowly, what does he think and feel. What runs in his mind when his eyes rest so compassionately on me. Tell me Appa.